Findings from my conversation with Kanika's parents

Main Goal

To make her as independent as possible so that’s its easier for anyone to look after her.

We don’t know what tomorrow has, we can only focus on today so lets try and do whatever we can today. Take each day as it comes.

If the fiscal part is taken care of then the physical part can be taken care by the sibling.

Things that parents did

Kept them in different schools so that the sibling does not take the pressure of the other. It’s unfair for the sibling to take that load at such an early stage in life. It gave them the opportunity to have completely different worlds of their own. It forces the special child to become more independent and build her own relationships whereas it takes the weight off the sibling and give an opportunity to build their own world and relationships.

Make life as normal as possible. Kanika is the elder sibling so parents ensured that she was ahead of the curve vis-à-vis her sibling. She was the 1^st to get a cycle or mobile. Let her feel like the older one

Share rooms. If the sibling got their own room while growing up, Kanika would get cut off from a lot of things that would have been good for her to get exposed to and you run the risk of getting distant. You learn to share and respect each other’s interests. Till your growing years it’s good to share a room but after that it’s important to move out so that you learn to manage your own space. They learn to give and take.

You can’t tell the sibling what to do but you can set the track and create an environment where they both end up caring for each other and respecting each other. As parents we can hope that we inculcated the right values to make sure they recognize that its a family unit and not a burden on them.

You don’t focus on the differences but on the similarities.

Don’t differentiate but integrate.

It is much easier to make them weak, than it is to make them strong.

If two elements sit together and you grind them together, they fit closer to one another. Their rough edges are removed and smoothened out.

It’s very important for parents to have a second child if the first one is disabled. You don’t enjoy the joys of parenting. You don’t realize that half of what is happening to the special child is not because of the condition but because that’s the way children are. There are so many issues that are there have to do with every child and not with the problem but because there is a label, it gets hung around their neck. Until parents don’t have that exposure they will never know that these are simple human nature issues and have nothing to do with the problem.

Marriage: Explain what responsibilities come with marriage. When you can manage and maintain a house, start earning enough is the day you start thinking about marriage.

Driving: When you can be chauffer driven then why do you want to drive.

What the sibling felt

The sibling as a kid never noticed the differences until the age of 8 and started going through a stressful situation. She started visiting friends’ homes, noticing what their elder siblings are doing and would have started making comparisons in her mind.

The interactions made them work out their own equation and work as a team. The sibling used to be very shy but learnt how to be confident from the special child.

She wants kanika to learn how to defend herself and would often provoke her but kanika would just refuse. Somewhere she has made her peace.

There were times when she was a little impatient. She came to terms with it much better when she was about 15. As she gained security in her growing up she became a lot more protective of kanika. Earlier it was a little ambivalent but then she was more open in going out. Parents have to allow their normal child time to cope with it

What the special child felt

Marriage:

Gender

You have that comfort that a sister will look after a sister particularly when you have physical or mobility issues. There is a very strong component of the emotional and physical part you are looking at. You are basically looking at a maternal angle form the sister

You learn the best when you have peer interaction.

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Explain to them that there will be change but the fundamentals remain the same.  As siblings you can focus on things that you can do today, rather than what you used to do.  Build a special routine or activity that is unique to you two and that matters to her.

Different people are good at different things. Some people are good at sports and some at studies.